[ Walt remained where he was -- glued in some sort of angry, glaring deadlock with Chilton. He wanted to hiss and spit and curse him out for the things he said. But in that moment, nothing rang more true than Chilton's words about his cognitive dissonance wrecking his emotional stability. It explained why every time he and Jesse had something normal, something nice, Walt seemed to mess it up through some form of self-sabotage -- even going as far as to shoot himself so that he could manipulate Jesse into staying and healing him. It explained why Walt immediately went to cooking meth as his coping mechanism for finding out he was cancer-free, even though he had no need for the money. It explained why even Hank took notice of something being amiss in his mental state -- because he was unstable, self-medicating with alcohol and harboring a death wish.
Walt's face crumbled in devastation at this realization and he dropped himself onto Chilton's couch -- head in hands and taking a moment to collect himself. When he spoke next, his voice was calm -- begrudgingly accepting Chilton as someone who would at least listen. Because when he tried to explain himself to Jesse, Jesse just didn't understand or accept his words. He could only see things the way he wanted to see them, never through Walt's eyes. ]
A few days ago, I tried to commit suicide. I shot myself once in the side and then in the chest. I wanted to die. No... in a way I still do. Chilton, I didn't ask for any of this. I lived and I died on my own terms back home. I was content. And then all of that was ripped from me. My life was complete. And now here I am again -- and I don't even know what I'm supposed to be. It doesn't seem fair...
[ He leaned his head back, closing his eyes. ]
It doesn't seem fair that neither Hank nor Jesse know what I do to them in the future. And I have to live, knowing at any moment it's all going to blow up in my face. Saul so graciously reminded me that they could go home and come back and that would be the end of it. I will lose everything. So how am I supposed to atone for the things I do to them when they don't even have a clue that I do those things? You're right. I am living a double life because I don't know what else to even do. One day I'll wake up and the nightmare will start, and there won't be anywhere left for me to run.
[ God, this was horrible. He was actually talking. But at the same time, maybe if Chilton understood him as much as he claimed, he could give him some parting advice. The hour had to be ending fairly soon, right? ]
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Walt's face crumbled in devastation at this realization and he dropped himself onto Chilton's couch -- head in hands and taking a moment to collect himself. When he spoke next, his voice was calm -- begrudgingly accepting Chilton as someone who would at least listen. Because when he tried to explain himself to Jesse, Jesse just didn't understand or accept his words. He could only see things the way he wanted to see them, never through Walt's eyes. ]
A few days ago, I tried to commit suicide. I shot myself once in the side and then in the chest. I wanted to die. No... in a way I still do. Chilton, I didn't ask for any of this. I lived and I died on my own terms back home. I was content. And then all of that was ripped from me. My life was complete. And now here I am again -- and I don't even know what I'm supposed to be. It doesn't seem fair...
[ He leaned his head back, closing his eyes. ]
It doesn't seem fair that neither Hank nor Jesse know what I do to them in the future. And I have to live, knowing at any moment it's all going to blow up in my face. Saul so graciously reminded me that they could go home and come back and that would be the end of it. I will lose everything. So how am I supposed to atone for the things I do to them when they don't even have a clue that I do those things? You're right. I am living a double life because I don't know what else to even do. One day I'll wake up and the nightmare will start, and there won't be anywhere left for me to run.
[ God, this was horrible. He was actually talking. But at the same time, maybe if Chilton understood him as much as he claimed, he could give him some parting advice. The hour had to be ending fairly soon, right? ]