- IC CONTACT POST FOR MASKORMENACE -

[slightlyoffchilt]

"Hello.

You've reached the direct line of Doctor Frederick Chilton. As I am not available at the moment, you might assume I'm quite busy with something pressing. State your name and business, and I will return your call."

Comments

[kingpawn]

[ Walt looked up at Chilton, surprised and mildly hopeful. So of course that asshole was going to dismiss the topic for another time. Ten thousand dollars worth of sessions -- minus whatever Chilton deemed fit for cleaning up the mess. Walt didn't even know what Chilton's rate per hour happened to be, but he was sure this was going to be his Friday evening for the foreseeable future.

Maurtia Falls, however. That was perfect. Close to the safe house, and maybe the safe house could even become a site for their sessions at some point. Walt wasn't sure he wanted Chilton to know the exact location, but it would certainly be a lot easier if he was already in the cabin when Walt decided to make his move. ]

Maurtia Falls works. Do you have a pen and paper?

[ Walt didn't wait for an answer. He looked around before getting up and taking what he needed off of Chilton's desk. He jotted down the motel name in Nonah as well as the room number their little project was put up in. And then he wrote down the number of one of his burners as well. The paper was folded and offered to Chilton. ]

You can contact me there. It's a new number considering you confiscated my old phone. And my gun. And my hat.

[ He picked up his glass again, polishing off the contents before pressing it into Chilton's hand. ]

So how many sessions does my money buy? I assume you're taking into account that it's high-risk?

[slightlyoffchilt]

[His lips pressed tightly together. Walt, by his desk, touching one of his pens without request. Chilton's controlling impulse resonated beyond the influence of people; he was a man who liked to dominate his environment, and Walt was going to remain a combustible variable regardless. Even in this small, insignificant way.

Chilton took the glass returned to him only begrudgingly.]

As many sessions as we deem necessary.

[The psychiatrist graciously chose the plural we. His intent manifested differently, of course, because while the money was a delight (Chilton habitually indulged himself with status symbols), the true trophy offered was Walter White himself. And now that Walt had committed himself to this unorthodox solution (a motel! Scandalous!) Chilton felt vindicated. Perhaps the whole exhibition of Walt dangling himself like so was simply to ensure those aforementioned loopholes: no medication, no public knowledge that Walt was indeed a patient of Chilton's. As much as "doctor-patient confidentiality" was a thing, Chilton's sharp tongue was often a loose one. Will Graham had long ago called him out on his inappropriate gossiping.

But he couldn't do that with Walter White, not if Chilton wanted to avoid Hank. His own skin was tied into the game.]

I've been wondering about that -- your hat, I mean. I have all the items collected, and the predictable burner phone and gun were unremarkable for a man of your... Tendency. But the hat? [Chilton played with the glass in his hand.] In the context of our meeting, when you clearly had ill intent, that hat was a signifier. An identity marker. Is that part of who you are, Walt, or part of what you wish to be?

[kingpawn]

[ Walter rolled his eyes after Chilton's remark. Of course. Why would Walt expect there to be a price tag on their sessions? The main reward for the psychiatrist would be satisfying his interest and as soon as that dwindled, so, too, would their meetings. But Chilton proved he would stop at nothing to get what he wanted, and this was what he wanted -- Walter under his grasp. Being here stopped the questions, the stalking, the chances of being cornered in a basement. It stopped Chilton from taking measures both unorthodox and within his legal rights, and also put the man in a close, observable position. This was the best move. On both of their behalves.

But the thing he needed to remember above all else was that Chilton was exceptionally skilled at reading and observing people. The mention of his hat and its significance proved this. It caught Walt off guard. The idle musings and wonderings were spot on. Walt floundered around for a proper way to answer that question, which in and of itself was probably the most telling thing. And after a few seconds of a pause, he sneered in distaste. ]

It's just a hat. God! Do you look for something of meaning in everything? I suppose next you're going to say I chose this particular jacket because I thought wearing the color blue would increase your chances of going along with this.

[ He shook his head like it was the most absurd thing in the world, even laughing it off dismissively. ]

Sometimes, Frederick, things just are. There are no reasonings or logic or hidden motives behind them.

[slightlyoffchilt]

-- Hm. [Chilton glanced at Walt's particular jacket the moment it was mentioned, eying that shade of blue. Walter was a chemist, wasn't he? He of all people would appreciate the impact of chemical reactions, the transformations in acidity and biological effect, the compounding, and the coloring. Walter White had come here to negotiate, but with money rather than violence. He was offering a treaty, not a threat.

Perhaps blue represented the sort of person Walt remembered he could be, before guns and burner mobiles.]

I wouldn't underestimate how loquacious the subconscious is, Walter. Every minute decision is made because of motivation, because you want something on some level. How important that motivation is, well, that's what I'll determine.

[He offered a halfway smile, his left cheek pinching with that curl of lip.]

Natural events are chaotic. Human beings? We function on thoughts and desires, stimulated even at the most essential biochemical level. It was never just nature or nurture. Surely you can appreciate that.

[kingpawn]

It sounds more like you spend your time chasing dead ends and looking for things that aren't there. But if that is how you want to waste an hour of your time, then by all means.

[ Walt retorted with a dismissive sweep of his hand, ever the skeptic. Of course, Chilton did raise a good point when it came to talking about the fundamentals of biochemistry being the true determining and motivating factor in the choices people made -- but Walt, again, was skeptical. This was probably just some ploy to get him to relate, to feel at ease, or to get him defensive, even. What did Chilton know about biochemistry, anyway? ]

Now that we're here. Now that we've reached this point, I do have to ask -- why me? What was it that made you hone in on me from the beginning and never let go? What was it that made you decide on the most essential biochemical level that I was the perfect candidate to chain up and drug in your basement? Are you really that certain of your chances of being resurrected by the nanites that the risk was worth it to you?

[slightlyoffchilt]

Oh, Walt. Denial is such a -- [He leveled a glance at the other man, his smirk undeniable.] Harlot.

[It was a playful observation, and proof that Walter's skepticism couldn't get a rise out of Chilton. No foul language in this preliminary session, oh no. The psychiatrist was convinced he was right, just as he had been right about Walt's truer personality.]

You came in here practically repenting, Walter. Your first appearance on the Network. You considered the possibility that this world was hell -- and given that you aren't particularly superstitious, it was logical to suspect that your cognitive associations drew from some profound guilt. And not because you necessarily felt guilty, no.

[Chilton looked off, enjoying his own interior design. Relishing the environment, his environment, like it was a stage.]

But you knew that you should have sincerely felt that. And that disconnect inspired your minor existential crisis. Because you know, as I know, what kind of man doesn't feel guilt despite the social pressure to.

[kingpawn]

[ Walt balked; his mouth hanging open for a few seconds before he immediately became defensive. His shoulders straightening, his jaw clenching, his eyes narrowing, his fist closing. Denial is such a harlot. ]

That's not true! I'm not some kind of heartless monster. I care about things. My family. The life we built together. And any guilt I felt -- that was real. I'm not some kind of....of.... sociopath.

Everything I did. Everything. I did it for a good reason!

[ The question was, who was he trying to convince? Chilton or himself? ]

Maybe a man who locks people up and tortures them in his basement can't understand. But I'm not a monster. I'm nothing like you. I don't break people down and build them up how I want them to be. And when I'm up against someone, I don't cheat and drug them to win. I outsmart them. I earn my victories.

[slightlyoffchilt]

You don't cheat and drug people to win? You didn't push back my own sedative into my bloodstream? You hadn't done anything to Pinkman? For a man who claims he didn't recall much during our little engagement and then accuses my treatment to be something akin to torture, that sure appears to be deliberate cherry-picking. Walt.

[Chilton pulled himself up to his full height, though he wasn't going to match six feet, and flashed a sharper smile Walt's way.]

You think I'm a monster? Morality is only a relative device. But at least I am not content to tell myself little convenient arguments, to persuade myself of some fictional greater good. [Which was not true, as Chilton did that all the time. Still, he was simmering in the accusation.] At least I am comfortable with who and what I am.

And that, Walter White, is our therapeutic goal for you.

[kingpawn]

[ Walt immediately scowled. He had a feeling the reason Jesse knew about what Walt had done to him was because of Chilton. And that meant Chilton also knew -- and that made Walt suddenly paranoid. What else did he know. Did he know about Brock? Did he know it would be the catalyst that turned Jesse against him fully?

He took a step forward, grabbed a fist full of Chilton's suit and pinned him against the wall or bookcase -- whatever was closest to their proximity. ]

You don't know anything!

[ Realizing what he was doing -- how he was rising to the bait, he calmed himself down. It wouldn't do to assault the man in his own office after Walter was the one to sneak in and after he vowed to Hank he would stay away from Frederick Chilton. Walt immediately amended his behavior by letting Chilton go and smoothing his hand over the lapels of his suit. Ignore that outburst. It never happened. ]

This is why you piss me off, you know. You act like you have me all figured out -- but you don't know shit about me. If I pushed the drug back into you, it was to defend myself! You have the nerve to turn this around on me? You have the audacity to call what you did to me treatment?! You should be kissing my feet right now for not turning you in. You should be grateful that the only thing you're getting out of this is a restraining order that I don't even necessarily want to give.

[ Walt walked away from Chilton and didn't bother to let his unrestrained frustration show -- grabbing fistfuls of his hair as he paced away a few steps. ]

I wanted things to be normal here! I thought I had a second chance to live a normal life. But you had to come along and dredge up my past and make me fall into old patterns.

[ He whirled around on Chilton. ]

This is all your fault. All of it.

[ It was so much easier to cast the blame on someone other than himself. ]

[brushoff]

Nothing could top him, [ Dorian simply said, rolling over to look at Chilton. ] The best I can get is something close.

04/04/2015

[infomodder]

[Early evening.]

Two things.
Please refrain from threatening the careers of law enforcement workers, particularly when we're the only ones left and I'm trying to make a name for myself. I'd appreciate it. Thank you.
April and I are having an Easter dinner, and you're invited. Please bring wine. We'll provide everything else, dress is casual.

[No mention of Freddie because that's too much, and there's...well, that's not really an invite, is it? But hey, he had to meet up with Walter in person, and he had to deal with Hank, so. This for that rides again. Will's thises are just getting into a totally different territory.]

1/3

[slightlyoffchilt]

Schrader accused me, and I quote, of "assraping" the careers of law enforcement members. Then he said, and I quote, that I "whore out people's personal problems".

I responded in kind and for some reason he took that as a threat. He's too sensitive and I'm not going to apologize.

[slightlyoffchilt]

[slightlyoffchilt]

You're inviting me to an Easter dinner? Why is that?

[slightlyoffchilt]

You speak of him like you're addicted.

[It was phrased like an observation -- clinical, and without judgement.]

You're not prepared to let go.

[infomodder]

He's got a colorful vocabulary, doesn't he? I don't expect you to apologize. I wouldn't ask that of you.

[Because he doesn't think he'd get it, so it's a waste of time.]

April should get a chance to meet you properly. We won't be having any traditional ham. You'll know exactly what you're eating. And because I wanted to invite you, so I did.

[slightlyoffchilt]

[What Chilton found unnerving was not how Walt grabbed him, not how he could thrust Chilton against a wall and pin him as he squirmed. It was not because Walt exhibited sudden, inalienable power.

It was the aftercare. The way Walt smoothed over Chilton's lapels, the gentle and soothing touch that was intended to reassure the psychiatrist that nothing was wrong. It was the proximity of those chemical hands to Chilton's dissection scar. It was the profundity of Walt's repression on current exhibition, how deeply he wanted to deny the melting rage they had both been privy to just seconds prior. It was that moment of reclaiming, of power and his own image and Chilton.

But it was only for a moment.]

You're wrong, Walter. I know too much, and that's what has you agitated. [Chilton watched as Walt stalked away, only to witness him whirl back to face him.] Your old patterns, as you call them, are your behavioral constructs. That means they describe who you are, and what motivates you.

[Chilton hadn't moved from where Walt had pushed him towards, but he did stand tall in that spot. He did pull back his shoulders.]

I'm right about all of it, about everything. I'm right about you. And I trust you're smart enough to know that, even if the cognitive dissonance you so willfully invoke is wrecking your emotional stability.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I'm flattered. And April won't mind the significant lack of protein?

Should I bring a red or a white? Or both?

[infomodder]

I don't think she'll even notice. Unless you're capable of eating fish without any problem, it'll be a completely vegetarian affair. That's not unusual around here. Is fish too much protein at one time for you?

Whatever you think is best. My wine palate isn't very refined and neither is hers.

[kingpawn]

[ Walt remained where he was -- glued in some sort of angry, glaring deadlock with Chilton. He wanted to hiss and spit and curse him out for the things he said. But in that moment, nothing rang more true than Chilton's words about his cognitive dissonance wrecking his emotional stability. It explained why every time he and Jesse had something normal, something nice, Walt seemed to mess it up through some form of self-sabotage -- even going as far as to shoot himself so that he could manipulate Jesse into staying and healing him. It explained why Walt immediately went to cooking meth as his coping mechanism for finding out he was cancer-free, even though he had no need for the money. It explained why even Hank took notice of something being amiss in his mental state -- because he was unstable, self-medicating with alcohol and harboring a death wish.

Walt's face crumbled in devastation at this realization and he dropped himself onto Chilton's couch -- head in hands and taking a moment to collect himself. When he spoke next, his voice was calm -- begrudgingly accepting Chilton as someone who would at least listen. Because when he tried to explain himself to Jesse, Jesse just didn't understand or accept his words. He could only see things the way he wanted to see them, never through Walt's eyes. ]

A few days ago, I tried to commit suicide. I shot myself once in the side and then in the chest. I wanted to die. No... in a way I still do. Chilton, I didn't ask for any of this. I lived and I died on my own terms back home. I was content. And then all of that was ripped from me. My life was complete. And now here I am again -- and I don't even know what I'm supposed to be. It doesn't seem fair...

[ He leaned his head back, closing his eyes. ]

It doesn't seem fair that neither Hank nor Jesse know what I do to them in the future. And I have to live, knowing at any moment it's all going to blow up in my face. Saul so graciously reminded me that they could go home and come back and that would be the end of it. I will lose everything. So how am I supposed to atone for the things I do to them when they don't even have a clue that I do those things? You're right. I am living a double life because I don't know what else to even do. One day I'll wake up and the nightmare will start, and there won't be anywhere left for me to run.

[ God, this was horrible. He was actually talking. But at the same time, maybe if Chilton understood him as much as he claimed, he could give him some parting advice. The hour had to be ending fairly soon, right? ]

[slightlyoffchilt]

[Chilton walked over, taking the seat next to Walt -- but a cushion over, so that they weren't touching on that softly colored blue sedan. Space was a domain still acknowledged. He listened as Walt spoke, this monologue of sorrow and angst pouring out from the other man's mouth. The suicide in of itself didn't surprise him -- obviously the attempt had failed. But did Walter know it would fail? Did the man have a healing power, or had someone been around who did? Had this been a sincere attempt to die? Because "in a way I still do" is in itself discouraged to be taken literally. The way Chilton saw it:]

You wanted a variable that made sense. Death is logical. It is absolute. And dying on your own terms... That is an incredible display of power, something you must have fought for back home. [Whether Walt was fighting himself or external forces was a different matter.] Very little is going to make as much sense in this world, Walt. This... Factor of timespace. The fluid curvature of our past and future. Nonlinear concerns are going to be yet another challenge to conquer.

[Chilton leaned closer to Walt -- still respecting the space between them, still keeping his hands to himself. His gaze focused on the other man's face.]

You have to make them doubt what they will come to know. You have to make them deny what you will have done to them. The time that you've got now is crucial -- do not waste this resource on histrionic exhibitions. If you can win them over before they even realize why, that will provide to you some measure of influence.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I do believe fish is relatively consumable. Which means, of course, a white wine.

A 2002 Brut. Dom Ruinart. Citrus breed of champagne with peach and nectarine notes.

[infomodder]

I knew I caught the biggest largemouth bass in my time here this afternoon for a reason.
That sounds like a good match! Everything should be ready by 12:30. We're looking forward to it.

[He's not sure if Chilton has any idea about particular kinds of fish, but if he takes a second to look up largemouth bass, he'll find a few items of interest, at least in regards to them and Will Graham. They have the ability to be an invasive species, to come into a new habitat and reduce the population of native fish, sometimes to extinction. They are top predators and know it, will eat everything they can, and thrive in a variety of bodies of water. But for all their destructive capabilities, when it comes to mating? Once the female has laid her eggs, she goes off, and the male takes over. He'll fast while he defends the helpless eggs, and then newborns (this fish fry won't get fried if Dad does his job right). Will and his fishy father problems.

Fish and their...incredible horror.]

[kingpawn]

[ Walt listened when Chilton spoke and didn't outright dismiss his words as garbage or useless for once. That was progress, wasn't it? At least a little bit. But what Chilton was saying about the time now being crucial -- that helped to motivate him. Walter had been so focused on himself and his world going to shit that it was hard to see anything beyond that. Loathe as Walt was to admit it, Chilton was right.

He turned to face him, just so he could make eye contact and perhaps see the manipulation that he knew was there. But he couldn't. It almost seemed like genuine advice. Good advice. But what was the catch? He furrowed his brows and then looked back down at his hands. Regardless of whether or not this was a manipulative ploy on the good doctor's behalf (Walt still had to remember this man attacked and drugged him underneath this building), there was no denying that he was right. Walt had to get control of himself so he wouldn't continue to screw things up and make the ones he loved suspicious. ]

Then maybe I shouldn't be meeting with you behind Hank's back?

[ But it was just a joke. Walt wasn't going to rescind his request/offer. The brief smile that was there faded almost as quickly as it came. ]

Thank you.

[ For not being a dick, was the unspoken. Really, Walt didn't know Chilton had it in him. ]

Is this something you, yourself have experienced? People from your past or future, showing up and making everything seem so....meaningless, confusing, and uncertain?

[ There was a pause and then a probing, but curious question. ]

Are you married, Chilton? Do you have kids?

[slightlyoffchilt]

I am not married, no. And nor do I have any children.

[Nor did he like kids, really, Chilton wouldn't wander past precocious teenagers in terms of clients or company. But these questions inspired a slight tension in his shoulders -- while it wasn't unusual for patients to be inquisitive about their psychiatrists, Walter White was hardly a usual patient. This sort of ground could have been an attempt to discover similarity, to forge sympathy, but Chilton knew that Walt could detect the loneliness in Chilton's words -- and what Walt could then do with that detection, Chilton could only imagine. The psychiatrist was a confirmed bachelor, and yet he wore his golden alma mater ring on his right hand. The context whispered married to his work, and it wasn't a topic Chilton would independently revive. However, providing only silence would risk souring this budding rapport, and Chilton needed Walt to be receptive if he was going to have any access to the chemist. Influence was the higher priority, and this given information was the calculated risk.]

I was an only child, and had very few additional relatives. [Sacrificial information. Walt would hopefully be appeased by Chilton's charity.] So it was never familial ties that could haunt me, in this place. But I have experienced the reoccurring return of... Difficult individuals from Baltimore, yes. We'll say that they emphasized the uncertainty of this dimension.

But they left, eventually. Sometimes all you have to do is survive beyond their limitations -- no matter who comes here, Walt, they are still subject to those uncalibrated outcomes that we are. Porting out goes both ways, on friends and antagonists.