slightlyoffchilt | - IC CONTACT POST FOR MASKORMENACE -

Thursday it is. Until then, Tobias.

[And when that evening rolled around, Chilton was ready. His Greco-Roman influenced office touted black, gold, and pretty accents of light blue; his sedan sported that lighter color, while the gilded frames and deep mahogany of his desk offset the airy color.

He waited patiently, in suit and tie as per usual. His focus was on his opened files -- various patients, all scheduled and all fascinating.]

[The sun had dipped away before 8PM, giving Tobias ample time to safely leave Maurtia Falls for Heropa. It's his luck that things seem rather slow than hectic at the hospital, and so he makes his way to Doctor Chilton's office without incident. Once he's at the door, however, he finds himself hesitant and nervous.

He doesn't know much about what sorts of treatments are available. In fact, his idea of psychiatric treatment is outdated, but the concept of stigma that comes along with it is not. For a moment or so, he simply stands here, some part of him contemplating turning and running. But then he reminds himself that he'd wanted this, and that he is sick and tired of the 'what ifs' in his life. So after swallowing his apprehension, he lifts his hand to the door and knocks twice.]

Come in, Tobias.

[Because who else could it have been? Chilton had left the door unlocked, and he did not rise from his well-worn black leather chair to accommodate the invitation. Toby was a big boy -- he surely had to be, if he ran in step with Dorian Gray.]

Please, Mr. Matthews. Take a seat.

[The dilemma that every patient of Chilton's face: the hard wooden chair, or the light blue sedan. The former represented defiance, the latter submission -- or so according to Chilton. It helped him gauge the wisps of battle within any fresh patient.]

I hope you find yourself well.

[He hears Chilton answer and tries the door to find it unlocked. The moment he steps inside, his gaze goes to the other man's face for a quick study before he studies the rest of his surroundings... and quickly discovers his dilemma. His gaze goes back and forth between the two, uncertain for what feels like a split second but may have been longer. After making up his mind, he holds up a folder that is undoubtedly the one from his arrival, if not a duplicate copy, in offering to the doctor.]

Could be better, I guess.

[His reply had come faster than he could think, testament to how worn he's become since arriving in this world. He then moves to the sedan, his movement seeming cautious and deliberate despite traces of resignation and defeat in his body language.]

I, um. How does this work, exactly? I've never been... [To a psychiatrist? To anything like this? He soon lets the sentence trail off, unsure of how to finish whilst settling into relative comfort.]

[Chilton grinned once Toby chose the sedan. His spine straightened, and he leaned forward in his desk -- all the better to seem like that pervasive authoritarian force, wasn't it? All the better to seem involved.]

There isn't a precise formula, Toby, especially not for a preliminary. We will begin with you illustrating any specific concerns you have -- and, if nothing comes to mind, I'll question you. It's inquiry guidance, really, it is only foundational. That is when the real work begins.

[He offered an anesthetized smile, typically soothing when coupled with that soft voice of his. Deceptively gentle a tone, given how sharp his tongue could be.]

What is on your mind? You had reason for coming here.

[Tobias is normally particular about how people address him. Yet, he doesn't catch Chilton or make anything of it when the doctor calls him 'Toby', even though he once had corrected Abduxel to put distance between them. There's something about the atmosphere, the ambiance, that seems paradoxically calming and oppressive, but he can't quite grasp exactly what it is or why he feels this way. Still, he nods at Chilton's response and tries to push aside his anxiety.]

I did. Or, I do have reasons, still.

[A beat.]

I know I've mentioned the nightmares since this past swear-in, but it's more than that, and sometimes I don't know where to start, really. Except... that most of this is tied to my being a vampire, I think.

[Though he tries to school his expression, his self-loathing is writ clear on his face, and disgust and bitterness make his voice harsh and angry.]

[The familiarity -- manipulative as it was -- also indicated that Chilton had been used to discussing Tobias with other people. Something he had alluded to, of course, but an outright confession hadn't been quite forthcoming. A risky endeavor, even for Chilton.

But his arrogance sometimes took such risks.]

A vampire. [Chilton nods at that -- thematically, it was rather coherent, wasn't it? Abduxel was a demon and Dorian was immortal. Why would the third of this known triad (as Chilton perceived them) be equally fantastical?] We do have a few of that persuasion.

[Kanaya came to mind, of course.]

Just for the sake of context -- your vampirism. Would you agree that such a condition had been inflicted upon you?

[Toby's loathing hadn't been fully obscured, and Chilton took silent note. He struck at the implicit guilt, hoping to relieve his patient of some responsibility.]

[There's some hesitation before he answers.]

It was. A man named Ivar.

[Tobias speaks the name with a combination of regard and contempt. He swallows, and as he continues, his voice becomes low and quiet. Unburdening himself like this is new and different, so he still feels of two minds when it comes to opening up. After all, he's spent far too long guarding himself by hiding and keeping secrets. That, and before now, he's only ever told this story to one person.]

I met him one night when I sneaked out to see a traveling circus. No one special or important or out in the forefront. Just the caretaker of animals who came upon me when I was wandering about after the show. Then I went to visit the following night; at the time, I'd thought I was attacked by a bear, but now I know what really happened.

[He takes a deep breath.]

Maybe this sounds ridiculous; I thought it did when I first heard. But Ivar had a pact with a siren, one of those monsters that lures humans to a certain place, not with its voice but with its mind. To pay the price of this pact, Ivar would obtain a beating heart from a live human, one each day, every day of the year. And that night, it was to be my turn. [His brows furrow, and he curls one of his hands into a fist.] Only for some reason, he couldn't go through with it. I was a mess when he finally reached me and asked if I wanted to live. "I don't want to die," is what I answered, and so the change came to pass. He taught me how to survive, and then one night, he was gone.

[A beat.] Still didn't change the fact that I don't want to die.

[That is the main reason Tobias does what he does. It's not that he necessarily wants to live, but more importantly, he doesn't want to die.]

[Then this was an established condition. That created a particular lens, given that Tobias's transformation had happened before his coming to this cosmic dimension, and thus he kept the consequences of his circumstance haunting him. It almost seemed cruel, given how Tobias quite evidently suffered beneath the weight of his vampiric needs. Chilton listened, refusing to interrupt, and carefully observed how Toby was speaking just as much as he paid mind to what the man was saying.]

You didn't want to die.

[Chilton repeated the phrasing, picking at it.]

Suggests the path of least resistance, doesn't it?

[No comment came concerning the situation Tobias had been thrust into; as absurd and delusional as he would have found the story were he back in Baltimore, Chilton knew better with regards to this tangent of the universe. There were stranger worlds than his, brimming with the stuff of fantasy.

But it was all very real.]

It must be difficult. For you. To accept that heft of darkness.

["I don't want to die" might be synonymous with "I want to live", but tonally they maintained different content.]

You were forced into this dilemma. But knowing that cannot mitigate the guilt, can it?

[The path of least resistance, is it? Tobias hadn't really thought about it before, and certainly not in that way. All he'd known was that he didn't want to die, not then and there, while he was young and sheltered from so many things after his father had left. But before Tobias can answer, Chilton continues, giving him a moment more to consider—and to remind himself that Kanaya said he must tell Chilton everything.

Shaking his head a few times, ]

No, it doesn't. But in a place like this, it hardly seems to matter whether I asked for this or not. I didn't know by what means I would've been saved, certainly didn't know what price I was paying.

[It's difficult for Tobias not to feel angry about this after the way he's been treated, despite his best efforts. He lets out a frustrated huff.]

But then, I don't know those things are an excuse. It's always about the lives I change or ruin, always about other people. It matters not that I had to change my way of life, only that I destroy others. I'm... pathetic if I'm unhappy with it, and I'm wrong if I revel in it. So then what?

Forced into something, especially when the terms are not illuminated -- and frankly, Tobias, you naturally would have chosen life over death. Most would have. But to be put in that position in of itself, of course that resonates with trauma.

[The anger was noted, and accepted. All things considered, a frustrated huff was something of a restrained reaction, given the circumstance in discussion. Chilton took note of that, as well -- restraint in session didn't always indicate restrain in action. And given his proximity to Dorian, Chilton figured that Toby might be somewhat... Emotional. Perhaps emotionally unstable. It would be interesting, thought Chilton, to observe Tobias beyond the blue sedan. That would require a little investigation, of course, and his current sources were sometimes biased.

To say the least.

But still -- better some twisted lead than none at all.]

People seem to be taking away your choice, don't they? Your agency. [Always about the lives I change or ruin, hrm.] They want to set these impossible standards for you because it surely makes their own behavior more excusable.

You are right, in that this limits you. And unfairly so.

[Years of pretense and concealment taught Tobias a punishing deal of patience and restraint. Without even realizing it, he isn't quick to act on his feelings no matter how turbulent or mercurial. His expressions are naturally muted or watered down so that he might become what others might expect of him, rather than the monster he thinks or knows himself to be.

But Chilton's words work their magic and wear away at his remaining defenses, the ones behind which Tobias subconsciously continues to hide. Too many have focused on his need to adapt and failure to do so; few, if any, realize how trapped and isolated he feels and has always felt since he'd first turned, and since Ivar abandoned him. Turning those words over in his mind, he swallows his anxiety, and there is some relief that visibly washes over him as he seems to ease up just a little more.]

I... I don't—I mean, I guess I never really thought of anyone else's reaction as wrong. [Tobias is the monster attempting to live among humans, and that's what makes who he is and what he does, wrong.] Even without them or anyone else weighing in, I don't know what choices I really have.

[Again, he shakes his head a few times before continuing.]

I've tried alternatives back at home and here. Animals and synthetics and frozen blood or stored blood, and the blood that is called "fresh" kept at donation banks. None of it works, but no one will have any of that. [He raises the pitch of his voice in mocking imitation of what others expect of him.] "What right have you to feed off others and completely derail their lives? Can't you just take blood from any other source than humans?"

[Though he's done mimicking others, his voice gradually grows louder as he grows bold in expressing his agitation.]

Ha! Were it that easy, I might've done everything so differently. Back home, other immortals weren't easy to come by—for me, at least. And as for here, Dorian— [Tobias pauses upon mentioning him, his voice and expression softening at the thought of his lover despite a hint of hurt in his gaze. It's as if the name alone had the effect of slamming on his brakes.] —Well, I didn't know he was here, at first. Our last exchange before my arrival left much to be desired... which is why I took to avoiding him.

[Which clearly meant he'd obtained blood from other sources. Abduxel was one, but the others? Did Chilton already know about them, did he know Tobias' actions fed rumours of Ms. Maryam's vampire army as mentioned in anti-imPort propaganda during the July swear-in?]

Charitable of you. To consider the reactions of others as infallible.

[A crisp, if nonjudgmental, observation. Chilton considered Toby's reactions to the suggestion -- the brief stuttering noted -- as an emotive set honed from the nurturing of his self-centered company. Namely: Dorian Gray. And if not directly (or rather, only) that particular immortal, then perhaps a slew of men very similar to the Gray phenotype. The psychiatrist suspected that Toby would have something of a pattern -- intimate pattern, as it were. The man who had forced that life or death scenario in the first place provided an excellent sample of this trend.]

But without them weighing in, perhaps you would at least have the chance to explore if there were any choices or not.

[A rising theory. But one they could not implement within the boundaries of this session.]

Is it really so bad? [Counterpoint.] Taking blood. From humans. Mere mortals have taken far more for lesser reason. And -- I've yet to begin mentioning immortals. Immoral immortals.

[Abduxel, for instance. His staff security.]

I'm not arguing taking to the point of death, of course. But there are rituals in blood. Sanguine affairs. [His logic unknowingly follows Toby's train of thought.] You might be familiar with a certain, shall we say, demonic individual.

[Not like Matthew Lin paid cautious mind to keeping his secret subtle, of course.]

Such rituals require living donors. [Chilton knew that, firsthand.] Why can't your necessity? Or is it that you think no one beyond a small number would so willingly offer themselves to you, like that? It requires trust. It requires exposure. Are you afraid the masses would not want to comprehend why?

[At the mention of taking blood from humans, Tobias glances down at the floor, and his expression darkens. Then, he becomes restless and uncomfortable, swallowing his anxiety at the mention of blood rituals and the reference to a certain unnamed demon. His body tenses, a hand bracing the side of the sedan whilst the other curls into a fist, and he feels adrenaline or the vampire equivalent going through him. So when Chilton finally finishes, it takes Tobias a moment to wind back down and consider a reply.

Slowly, and with uncertainty:]

...I don't know. [His gaze goes up from the floor but only as high as Chilton's desk rather than to his face or eyes.] Perhaps you're right. Perhaps I am afraid because I know what I am and what I could do to people, or what I have done. But rarely do I take to the point of death; truth is, I don't really have the stomach for it.

[In fact, he already looks slightly sick and disgusted.]

And if they don't die, they might suffer even worse and become like me. It's more merciful to them if I don't allow that. Back at home, I didn't allow it, but here? I believe you know Miz Kanaya Maryam, she had highly recommended you. Anyway, I knew little to nothing about the circumstances of this world. My arrival was far from ideal, the sun high in the sky beaming heavily, and I had nearly burned up, and was quite weakened. Miz Maryam found me feeding on one of the natives, and might've beaten me dead if Martin hadn't still been alive.

[Seemingly chastising himself, he shakes his head a few times.]

He was the first of four natives I've sired since my arrival. Not that I'd intended to, of course. But then again, when I first fed from Dorian... I sired him, too; it was an accident. But he's special, he's not like the others. Even though we have a bond, he never turned. He's still Dorian Gray.

Edited 2015-10-01 06:01 (UTC)

[He tilted his head to the side, clearly flattered by the mention of Kanaya's recommendation. But his glowing self-satisfaction was only a flicker, merely momentary, as Toby continued dissecting the uncertainties so inherent to his plight -- interesting, thought Chilton, that the vampire considered hypothetical death to be more merciful than the potential of transforming into his type of monster. Or perhaps he simply did not want his lasting legacy upon this world to be something that was unknowingly inflicted upon him? Chilton rolled the two theories around in his head, before making notes on both.]

It is a concern worth note, that's true. [Chilton looked up from his notes, his brow furrowed in a mirrored sympathy.] And certainly compassionate of you, to rather shoulder the burden.

[Compassion or martyr complex? That remained to be dissected. However, Toby did have physical evidence of what happened to using local blood -- four sired, he said. Even accidentally. No wonder Kanaya wasn't happy about that.]

But why do you think that is so? About Dorian? What makes him different? [This could easily be a chicken-or-egg question:] Because he was already immortal? Or because you felt so differently about him?

I believe you are highly attuned to your own emotions. Perhaps your prowess as a vampire is inevitably influenced by your psychological state. [The psychiatrist paused, allowing that theory -- unprompted as it was -- to settle.] Perhaps. If we could alter your emotional states to something more... Stabilized. Perhaps you could control yourself more.

[Or perhaps Dorian Gray was the exception, because Dorian Gray had his own maleficence to obscure.]

How do you feel about medication?

[Where to begin? There's a lot to contemplate here.

To Tobias, there's plenty different and special about Dorian, and he's not always capable of expressing just what those things are. Perhaps he'll get around to opening that can of worms later. Instead, that his frame of mind might afford some control over himself and his power is... unusual, to say the least. Could that change his urges, control his hunger? Blood is his only sustenance, really.]

If you mean to prevent siring more fledglings, Miz Maryam arranged a little something where the imPort Sabriel used some sort of magic to prevent me from feeding on any natives whatsoever, and I can't feed on other imPorts without "clear and informed consent".

[For all intents and purposes, Tobias is vampire-neutered. Not that this changes his urges or hunger any; only limits his dinner selection to imPorts.]

Otherwise, I haven't used drugs for anything non-recreational, and if memory serves, I think I got bored of them before meeting Dorian. I drink more than I smoke, though I did try some weed with wolfsbane rolled into it over a month ago... So, let's just say I'm open to different options. [He doesn't know what he really wants, and so his answer sounds more like a question.] Except when it comes to Dorian.

I wouldn't advocate you denying consent -- so that is reassuring to hear. What a thought, indeed.

[The irony wasn't elucidated; Chilton was inconsistent with his own use of psychiatric consent. Perhaps if Abel Gideon were still alive and well, and present in Heropa, he would attest to that fact. But nevertheless -- the minor recreational habits revealed left no impression on the psychiatrist other than the usual health labeling.]

If we were to put you on -- say -- some SSRI, I must insist that you refrain from indulging such recreations, to include any alcoholic imbibing. Needless to say, there is literally no scientific literature in this world -- or mine -- concerning how such medication would affect a vampire. We would be pioneering the process, and caution is mandatory.

[Seemed reasonable, didn't it? Solid, foundational grounding. A meeting of eyes and understanding.]

-- And Dorian won't have to have any part in it. [The kicker.] Aside from influence, of course. He is apparently quite the catalyst when it comes to your emotional cascading.

[Meeting Chilton's gaze, Tobias suddenly finds himself feeling unsure. He isn't medically versed and isn't quite ready to give up drinking just yet. Other than blood, it's the only thing he consumes, and he very much enjoys the taste of it.]

—If I may ask, what is an SSRI, and what is it supposed to do, exactly?

[Chilton has already mentioned there's no telling how it would actually affect a vampire, and so Tobias can't help feeling concerned. At the very least, it'd be good to know what the drug should be doing. That way, he could determine its effectiveness.

And then, of course, Dorian. He seems quite wary about Chilton and uncomfortable with the idea of Tobias seeking therapy from him. But in the end, he relented, accepting that Tobias wants and needs help. Still, Tobias swallows, hoping the dryness in his mouth will go away, and his tone is slightly defensive.]

...And how do you mean, about Dorian? Being with him, being around him makes me happy.

A selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor -- that is what an SSRI stands for. The drug limits the reabsorption of serotonin, which in turn increases the levels of serotonin in the synaptic cleft. The theory goes that individuals prone to debilitating depression and anxiety cannot properly process average levels of serotonin, and that compounds their psychological distress.

[Chilton waved his hand, impatient -- while it was wholly within Toby's right to inquire, Chilton didn't want to devil out the details. He was much too used to his own command.]

I am assuming your vampiric brain is still similar to its human counterpart.

[But he didn't know for sure, and that's why he wanted to experiment.]

Being around him makes you happy. [Repetition with lingering doubt.] In your current depressive state, he is like an intoxication to you?

[Tobias thinks he gets the general idea—normal levels of some brain chemical lead to distress, but there's a drug that could make more of said brain chemical. As impatient and dismissive as Chilton's answer is, Tobias caves to the suggestion, experimental as it may be. After what appears to be a moment or two of contemplation, he nods with some degree of understanding.]

Then, I think. I might want to give it a chance. An SSRI, I mean.

But Dorian, on the other hand... [When it comes to Dorian, it appears Chilton has his doubts. Meanwhile, Tobias himself needs a little longer to think about the doctor's question. Depressive or not, 'intoxication' makes what they have sound negative. For all that Dorian could be callous, dismissive, and completely narcissistic, Tobias feels he's found and owns a part of Dorian that is decidedly less self-serving and vainglorious. His Dorian Gray is different from what other people see of him.]

He's... Supportive, he doesn't try to control me or pressure me, even when we disagree. I told him I needed help and thought of going to you, and sure, he protested at first. But then he yielded to my decision, didn't push the point or try to argue with me any further. [Much like when Tobias had decided to take his own life thirty years ago.] So no, I don't think that sounds much like intoxication.

He certainly has you convinced that he's supportive -- it is much easier to believe the lies we find pretty, isn't it?

[Chilton smirked, one eyebrow raised. He slipped into that air of superiority, that expression of knowing, that had so often gotten him in trouble.]

Did he relent to your decision to seek psychological help because he supports you, Tobias? Or was it more likely that Dorian simply got bored of arguing with you?

He is a fickle man, after all. Isn't he?

[Chilton's smugness and certainty trigger anger within Tobias, who finds the insinuation insulting. He's all too quick to reply with great conviction.]

—Dorian may be like that with everyone else. But not with me. He wouldn't just become bored with me. If there truly were a point to be made, he'd have made it.

[It's through this angry outburst that his fear manifests—the dreadful fear from the swear-in, the possibility that Dorian would leave him. Dorian hadn't even imagined in their home world that Tobias would come back. And for the whole year that Dorian had been in this world, he hadn't so much as hoped to see Tobias again. He remembers Dorian's admission from their first conversation, when he'd broken into Dorian's place. Back then, Dorian had expected to see Abduxel, not him.

And so, as he continues, his protestations the very same arguments he wants to believe.]

He does support me, care about me, like no other. [A beat, and then a reminder:] I am his heart's desire.

Edited 2015-10-20 03:32 (UTC)

[The outburst was duly noted. Chilton didn't waver with his smug veneer -- if anything, his gaze focused with the scent of a hunt. He knew that, between the two of them, it wasn't himself who Toby hoped to persuade.]

Well. We will see, won't we?

[That was the art of doubt: it had to be subtle. It wouldn't do to push that concern too deeply, it wouldn't do to needle an already agitated vein. He would puncture, and slip that thought inside, and Toby's own mind would do the rest.]

I think a low dosage, to begin with. For a month, as a trial period. I would like you to note any side effects, and if any dire concerns arise -- you must call me immediately, understand?

[Chilton reached for his prescription pad, Paxil already on the tip of his tongue. Five milligrams to start, taken once a day.]

[It bothers Tobias how assured Chilton seems in judging his relationship with Dorian, and the way he seems to expect things to go wrong. But when Chilton moves on, so does Tobias, though he hardly feels any better now than when he'd arrived. He's still listening to Chilton's instructions, wondering whether the drugs might actually help him.]

... Yes, I understand.

[Still, he frowns and side-eyes the 'no drinking' business. Surely he shouldn't have to stop drinking; it's not as if Tobias ever got drunk anyway. So why shouldn't the drink be an exception? The only things he consumes are blood and alcohol, and as of current, his meal selection has only three varieties.

Then, he wonders if this concludes their first session. If so, he's coming out of it pretty awkward...]

Unless you have something additional that you'd like to share? Or discuss? This is, after all, your time.

[Standard psychiatric discussion. One must always give the patient the illusion of control.]

I am rather certain, for example, that you have acquaintances outside of Dorian. Those are also important influences upon your life.

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