slightlyoffchilt | - IC CONTACT POST FOR MASKORMENACE -

Angry doesn't begin to describe how I feel about him. Everything would be easy if I was just angry.

Let's describe in detail, then. More nuanced than anger -- because your relationship with him is notably complicated, despite what has happened between you both. Despite what has been held hostage, emotionally speaking.

[Jesse huffs out a short, irritated breath. If words came that easy to him, he'd already be saying them. He gets up off the divan - not to approach Chilton, but to pace around the room.]

I don't get how he can be the same person I knew back home. I mean - I know a lot can happen in a year, but it feels like I'm dealing with somebody else now. And I think it's the same with him, 'cause he looks at me like he's expecting somebody else with my face. And he's always trying to get ahead of this guy - this guy who's his enemy in the future, I know for sure now.

So he looks at me and he sees this big threat and all he ever thinks about is doing damage control. 'cause here's his big chance for a do-over. Meanwhile, I'm still seeing the guy who saved my life a dozen times. Do you even know? My own parents left me to rot, but when I shot up enough heroin to kill a small horse, it was Mr. White who tracked me down and dragged me outta the crackhouse and put my ass in fucking rehab. His daughter was just born that week and instead of being with her, he was saving my junkie ass.

[Jesse's getting increasingly more animated as he talks, breathless and waving his arms around because god, this is frustrating, and Chilton probably still doesn't get it.]

How'd it end up that the only person in the world who cares about me is the same guy who spends all his time trying to figure out a better way to hurt me? Why doesn't he just kill me already?

Edited 2015-08-11 05:18 (UTC)

[Oh, that was a lot of captive emotion. Notable frustration, evident rage. Chilton listened calmly to (what he would describe in his notes as) the tirade, raw and adrenalized as it was. Chilton measured Jesse's body language as much as he did the young man's words; both dialects fraught with transformative implication.

Chilton didn't interrupt, not even with a change in facial expression. He didn't flex into psychological movement until it was made boldly evident that Jesse Pinkman was done speaking.]

He can't. [Chilton tilted his head to the other side, his chin angled out. Easier to outright appraise the young man before him.] He can't kill you. Oh, not to say he hasn't been tempted. Not to say he hasn't fantasized about it. But you've just illuminated some void in your young adult life, a collection of small agonies and familial failures, and Walter White could identify with that. He could relate. You must speak to that underutilized yet throbbing sense of guilt he still maintains. And maybe part of him knows it, and maybe he's horrified and relieved. Maybe this paradox of emotions makes him want to hurt you.

[Jesse Pinkman. Walt's eternal aspiration.]

Your very existence allows him to fulfill so many desired roles, Jesse. That's invaluable.

[That's a different response than whatever he was expecting. He stops pacing, his hand unconsciously drifting to his throat to guard it from some memory.]

What am I supposed to do? I can't just keep taking it.

[...Right? His job in life can't possibly be to wait around and get abused whenever Walter White's feeling inadequate.]

Defy him. You have to defy him in ways he wouldn't expect. He thinks he can anticipate you, and you must prove him wrong.

[Chilton lowers his voice, keeping it closer to a theatrical murmur -- something that Jesse could hear with ease, but noticeably softer with inflection.]

He's a scientific man -- a chemist, at that. When he realizes that this set of compounds won't react in the same manner, he'll try something different. Above all, he does not want to lose you.

I have no doubt that he would try anything to prevent that from happening.

So won't it make things worse? Fighting him.

Setting boundaries. Better to frame it like that, rather than outright defiance. He's more likely to respect you enough to at least consider your boundaries.

[Chilton dipped his chin, almost sympathetic to Jesse's plight.]

Because if you don't, then this status quo won't be changing. You have to be the catalyst.

Has that worked for you?

[Because, for all Chilton's talk, Jesse doubts they have a "professional" doctor-patient relationship. He knows there's mutual loathing there, or something close to it. Yet Walt's been as unwilling to kill Chilton as he's been to kill Jesse, and there's the timing of Walt's assault on him - right after he was meant to go sever things. Before Chilton can even answer the first question, Jesse's asking the second:]

Was it your idea or his? What he did to me.

[Was it meant to deflect Walt's attention?]

My idea? [The question hit him point blank, rendering his surprise uncharacteristically authentic.]

I was under the impression it was your idea. Your provocation, rather. Granted, I had only heard the testimony of one source, but goodness was he convinced.

[Walt seemed perturbed over Jesse's perceived independence, but Walt was also prone to paranoia and hysteria.]

All the more reason to seize your chance.

Hold up -

[Seriously? Is that seriously what Walt said?]

My provocation? What the hell did he tell you?

You know that is quite confidential information, Jesse. [Chided Chilton, the smirk on his lips thankfully faint.]

I wouldn't want to be accused of unethical practice, now.

As if you're not gonna tell him everything I'm saying to you.

I'm not going to tell him anything you've said to me, not in midst of these current events.

[Chilton perhaps tipped his hand, indicating that he knew Walt would take it out on him.]

These current events.

[That's one way to describe his ongoing torture. Jesse kneads his forehead and goes back to pacing.]

I didn't start it. I let it happen. That doesn't mean I started it. You know what he's like when he's mad. It's easier to just give him what he wants.

It's easier to let him think he got what he wanted, Jesse.

[Chilton's eyes flickered up, measuring his patient's expression.]

That allows you to buy yourself a little time. You and -- you and I both know that if Walter White thinks he is right, he'll pursue the matter until your recite those words right back to him.

But recitation isn't the same as surrender.

Ain't no difference. It's just surrendering but telling yourself you're the real winner. It doesn't matter.

[If it made any difference, his gambit would have made him feel better, not worse.]

There is a difference, Jesse. Buying time is a strategy that could work in your favor. However, if you take issue with my method of purchase, then you're free to invent your own.

But nihilistic thought patterns will do you in quicker than any action against Walt will.

[Jesse twitches irritably, giving a slight shake of his head. More to clear it than out of any actual disagreement. He sees what Chilton's saying, but he doesn't know if it's what he wants to hear, or what good any of it will do. Buying time, sure, but for what? What strategy?]

Anytime I say no to him, he takes it like I just straight-up told him I'm gonna kill him. There's no setting boundaries. Anything that doesn't sound like what he wants to hear is a threat to him. All the time in the world ain't gonna change that.

Then find a surrogate.

[If Chilton was aware of any irony in his statement, he didn't exhibit it. In truth, he considered himself an observer, and occasionally a manipulator -- someone who readjusted variables for the optimal outcome. People like Jesse Pinkman and Will Graham were a different kind of animal, and just as foreign to his DNA as Walter White and Hannibal Lecter was. Chilton was neither prey nor predator; he was a scavenger.

So a surrogate seemed plausible and low risk.]

He was rather fond of Matthew Lin, for -- well, at least a few weeks. I'm not suggesting you're replaceable, Jesse. Walt will never consider anyone to be as you are to him. But given Walt's... Tendencies, I mean, they are destructive habits aren't they? You can find someone to siphon off the worst of it.

That's how you buy time. You find a patsy.

[Jesse turns on Chilton at that suggestion, looking more offended than the guy's probably ever seen him.]

Jesus Christ - No.

[The thought of that makes his stomach turn, even if there's no love lost between him and Abduxel. To knowingly offer up someone else in his stead, let that person suffer for him? That's Chilton's game, for sure, but it's not Jesse's.]

[Quite the visceral reaction. Chilton raised an eyebrow, but relented; clearly Jesse Pinkman favored personal integrity. He wondered, briefly, if that's what Walt felt so magnetized to -- magnets in the more literal sense.]

It was only a suggestion.

[A beat followed.]

If you're going to martyr yourself, then at least think of some way to protect those of whom Walt might consider expendable in his efforts to maintain you.

Edited 2015-08-18 05:43 (UTC)

[Ugh, that word.]

He's not gonna have to hurt anybody to maintain me. I know better.

Then you've known the answer the whole time, haven't you? Succumb to him fully. [Chilton sneered, his tongue licking at his teeth in show of brief scorn.] Give him what he wants, allow yourself to deteriorate.

[Jesse gives a full body shudder at that suggestion, and he steps forward like he's going to sweep his arms out and shove everything off Chilton's desk. Instead he catches himself, folding his arms over his chest to hug himself tightly and keep from lashing out. That's not... going to solve this. Taking his rage out on Chilton isn't going to fix the problem.]

You - You'd like that, wouldn't you. That works out pretty good for you.

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