slightlyoffchilt | - IC CONTACT POST FOR MASKORMENACE -

[Jesse isn't so naive that he believes he's walking into a safe, sacred environment. He knows that every word he's going to say will probably not only be recorded, but instantly backed up on some cloud server somewhere. If self-preservation was his concern, then he wouldn't be doing this.

But he doesn't care. This is the kid who will someday literally attempt to set himself on fire to exact vengeance upon Walter White. Talking into a mic is far less painful than that.

Jesse chooses the sedan when he enters. He doesn't look around suspiciously or check for cameras. He simply makes himself comfortable.]

Well, this is weird.

Expect the unexpected.

[Chilton pinched out a smirk from one corner of his mouth, his face cutting a wry expression. He didn't rise from his desk to lock the door behind Jesse; both members of his staff understood that Chilton and his patient were not to be bothered.]

So -- down to business? He has told me, as you well know. Walt is swimming in unfamiliar waters; he had taken your autonomy for granted. I think he will act out, irrationally.

Well. More so than usual.

That almost sounds like a warning.

[Which Jesse notes just because of the novelty of it. Imagine! Chilton warning him. As if he really cares if Walt acts out irrationally.]

I don't really care what Mr. White does. It's on him, whatever it is.

You don't care about what Mr. White does to you.

[Chilton offered the clarification while placing some mocking emphasis on only three words. By his usual averages, that was more professional than he tended to be.]

But what about your friends? Loved ones? You surely cannot tell me that Walt hasn't discovered the few souls you might have gotten attached to? He is quite the jealous man, after all.

[Jesse makes a face. He honestly hadn't meant to refer to Walt that way, but it's a habit. A habit that goes back to when Jesse was sixteen years old. Let them not linger on that. He'll move on to the point of what Chilton's saying:]

I don't have "loved ones". Or friends. Nobody really knows me, Chilton. It's like that for a reason.

Walt knows you, doesn't he? [A pause followed, a gentle lull behind that rhetorical question.] He's the reason. Why, Jesse, has he destroyed those of whom you've loved before?

[Chilton had some idea about Jane -- not in name, but in function. The girlfriend Walt let die.]

No.

[He snaps that irritably, because not everything is Walt's fault.]

The shit I'm into, it's dangerous stuff. Somebody like me can't get attached to people. It's got nothing to do with him. If anybody's destroyed the people I loved before, it's me. It's all about my choices.

That's a significant amount of personal responsibility.

[Spoken with a an eyebrow raise, but Chilton won't isolate that statement for attack; Jesse didn't need to be invalidated, and that certainly was not Chilton's aim. He considered how delicate he might take this, given Jesse's recent history.]

Clearly an indication of maturity. Was it a harsh lesson, I wonder? And do you feel better equipped, knowing that you're the one now controlling your own destiny?

[Casual emphasis on now, of course.]

Is that what you think? You think I'm in control of my destiny?

I think you're as in control as you've ever been. Is that enough for you?

You mean "not at all"? You oughta just say what you mean, Chilton. We're sharing.

You knew he was lying to me about the future, right? Last time we talked. That he was manipulating me so I felt like I had to do what he said or else people would get hurt. By me. He told me I'd hurt 'em and I believed him and you probably thought all that was hilarious.

You don't need to presume my reactions to Walt's manipulations, Jesse. [Chilton's tone never wavered from that calm anesthetic of psychiatric tongue.] This isn't about me. This is about you, and Walt, and your feelings about that relationship.

Are you angry at him? At what he has become -- or what he has always been?

Angry doesn't begin to describe how I feel about him. Everything would be easy if I was just angry.

Let's describe in detail, then. More nuanced than anger -- because your relationship with him is notably complicated, despite what has happened between you both. Despite what has been held hostage, emotionally speaking.

[Jesse huffs out a short, irritated breath. If words came that easy to him, he'd already be saying them. He gets up off the divan - not to approach Chilton, but to pace around the room.]

I don't get how he can be the same person I knew back home. I mean - I know a lot can happen in a year, but it feels like I'm dealing with somebody else now. And I think it's the same with him, 'cause he looks at me like he's expecting somebody else with my face. And he's always trying to get ahead of this guy - this guy who's his enemy in the future, I know for sure now.

So he looks at me and he sees this big threat and all he ever thinks about is doing damage control. 'cause here's his big chance for a do-over. Meanwhile, I'm still seeing the guy who saved my life a dozen times. Do you even know? My own parents left me to rot, but when I shot up enough heroin to kill a small horse, it was Mr. White who tracked me down and dragged me outta the crackhouse and put my ass in fucking rehab. His daughter was just born that week and instead of being with her, he was saving my junkie ass.

[Jesse's getting increasingly more animated as he talks, breathless and waving his arms around because god, this is frustrating, and Chilton probably still doesn't get it.]

How'd it end up that the only person in the world who cares about me is the same guy who spends all his time trying to figure out a better way to hurt me? Why doesn't he just kill me already?

Edited 2015-08-11 05:18 (UTC)

[Oh, that was a lot of captive emotion. Notable frustration, evident rage. Chilton listened calmly to (what he would describe in his notes as) the tirade, raw and adrenalized as it was. Chilton measured Jesse's body language as much as he did the young man's words; both dialects fraught with transformative implication.

Chilton didn't interrupt, not even with a change in facial expression. He didn't flex into psychological movement until it was made boldly evident that Jesse Pinkman was done speaking.]

He can't. [Chilton tilted his head to the other side, his chin angled out. Easier to outright appraise the young man before him.] He can't kill you. Oh, not to say he hasn't been tempted. Not to say he hasn't fantasized about it. But you've just illuminated some void in your young adult life, a collection of small agonies and familial failures, and Walter White could identify with that. He could relate. You must speak to that underutilized yet throbbing sense of guilt he still maintains. And maybe part of him knows it, and maybe he's horrified and relieved. Maybe this paradox of emotions makes him want to hurt you.

[Jesse Pinkman. Walt's eternal aspiration.]

Your very existence allows him to fulfill so many desired roles, Jesse. That's invaluable.

[That's a different response than whatever he was expecting. He stops pacing, his hand unconsciously drifting to his throat to guard it from some memory.]

What am I supposed to do? I can't just keep taking it.

[...Right? His job in life can't possibly be to wait around and get abused whenever Walter White's feeling inadequate.]

Defy him. You have to defy him in ways he wouldn't expect. He thinks he can anticipate you, and you must prove him wrong.

[Chilton lowers his voice, keeping it closer to a theatrical murmur -- something that Jesse could hear with ease, but noticeably softer with inflection.]

He's a scientific man -- a chemist, at that. When he realizes that this set of compounds won't react in the same manner, he'll try something different. Above all, he does not want to lose you.

I have no doubt that he would try anything to prevent that from happening.

So won't it make things worse? Fighting him.

Setting boundaries. Better to frame it like that, rather than outright defiance. He's more likely to respect you enough to at least consider your boundaries.

[Chilton dipped his chin, almost sympathetic to Jesse's plight.]

Because if you don't, then this status quo won't be changing. You have to be the catalyst.

Has that worked for you?

[Because, for all Chilton's talk, Jesse doubts they have a "professional" doctor-patient relationship. He knows there's mutual loathing there, or something close to it. Yet Walt's been as unwilling to kill Chilton as he's been to kill Jesse, and there's the timing of Walt's assault on him - right after he was meant to go sever things. Before Chilton can even answer the first question, Jesse's asking the second:]

Was it your idea or his? What he did to me.

[Was it meant to deflect Walt's attention?]

My idea? [The question hit him point blank, rendering his surprise uncharacteristically authentic.]

I was under the impression it was your idea. Your provocation, rather. Granted, I had only heard the testimony of one source, but goodness was he convinced.

[Walt seemed perturbed over Jesse's perceived independence, but Walt was also prone to paranoia and hysteria.]

All the more reason to seize your chance.

Hold up -

[Seriously? Is that seriously what Walt said?]

My provocation? What the hell did he tell you?

You know that is quite confidential information, Jesse. [Chided Chilton, the smirk on his lips thankfully faint.]

I wouldn't want to be accused of unethical practice, now.

As if you're not gonna tell him everything I'm saying to you.

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